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Showing posts from 2013

Too well to be sick, too sick to be well.

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I have a chronic illness, I will more than likely always have said illness in some shape or form. At times I am totally debilitated by it, but for the most part...I manage, I have a full time job and things are okay. I am one of the "lucky" ones. I can stand, I can walk...heck, I can even exercise if I'm careful. I can work full-time, cook for myself, drive. But sometimes being "well" isn't all it's cracked up to be. Because in reality... I am still ill. I am still dizzy. I am still fatigued. I am still breathless. I am still nauseous. I am still in pain. Too well to be sick, too sick to be truly well. Financially and physically, I am better off if I don't work. Emotionally...I love healthcare, I love my job, my future prospects. And I genuinely mean that, I enjoy at least some parts of every shift. I always leave feeling fulfilled. I will continue to work for as long as my body will allow. I hope I am working for many many years to come.

Feeling reflective.

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This week marks a month in the new job as well as the arrival of another group of freshers. I cannot believe it's been 3 years since moving to Brighton. My time here has been some of the worst and some of the best of my life. Even this year has had some crap yet such progress too. Looking back, I am so glad I started teaching - it's what brought me to Brighton and this is my home now. I love it here, I feel truly settled, I have a great house, church, friends. However, there are absolutely no regrets in having given it up. I'd grown up always believing I'd be a teacher yet at the same time loved all things medical...documentaries, dramas, news stories. I was so curious and interested yet never considered it as a career path. After just a month on the ward I feel so at home - of course, I'm still learning, there are days where I arrive and just feel totally out of my depth but for the most part; I love my job - even the 5:30 starts don't feel like a chore just

"So I cry out with all that I have left"

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I am tired. I love my new job but I am physically and emotionally drained and we're only a few weeks in. I think there are a few reasons behind my emotional tiredness: 1. Care work is inevitably emotional, I spend my shifts with poorly people - some who won't get fully better, some who will die, some who want to die. It's hard going, but I wouldn't want to be emotionless. How can I care for these people if I don't care about them? And it's not just the patients - there's the relatives too. I'm having to remind myself that it's important to leave work at work as much as possible. 2. There are a few people in my life right now who are struggling - be that a break up, an illness, an eating disorder. I love my friends and I care about them, it's privilege to support people but again - it's emotionally draining. Sometimes I want to just bang my head against the wall with frustration that I can't help enough. I constantly have to remind my

"Maybe God just hates me..."

Yup. I really said that. And unfortunately, there's digital evidence of it so I can't just pretend it never happened. And actually...it was a genuine thought at the time. I know that God has a plan for me. I know that His plans are for my good, that I have a future and it is wonderful. I know that I am loved and created by the most incredible Father. But do I always believe it? No. So, sitting in occupational health last week, having been double booked I was sure that God hated me, and that I was never ever going to start my new job. The wait to start has felt so long, the health hurdles, the financial hurdles. Everything has just felt so long winded and I was tired and worn. I had lost hope and trust. Yet, even in my doubt, Jesus has got me. Occupational health squeezed me in, the gave me the clearance I knew I already had, the promised to send the necessary emails. HR squeezed me onto this week's induction and I recieved my official startdate. Today. I star

Hazelnut Chocolate Spread.

I am a comfort eater. I find it hard to admit - but actually most people's attitude to food changes in relation to stress - some under eat, others like me - comfort eat. And as much as I wish I lost my appetite when stressed, I just don't. So at 22:43 I am sat here writing about being stressed, eating hazelnut chocolate spread from the jar. I kind of bargained with myself - if I did something constructive like blogging, then it wasn't so bad to comfort eat because y'know - at least I'd actually be processing some of the stress. So why am I stressed? I still haven't got an official start date for my new job. The hope is that I will start this coming Monday, but it's looking less and less likely as the days go on. Tomorrow I am seeing Occy Health again and will the proceed to bombard HR with phone calls until I know what's going on. I am so ready to start and financially I cannot cope any more. I can barely afford food - thus making comfort eating co

Diagnonsense: One Year On

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"On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough You get mad, you get strong Wipe your hands, shake it off Then you stand, yeah, then you stand Every time you get up And get back in the race One more small piece of you Starts to fall into place, yeah Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of You might bend til you break Cause it's all you can take" A year ago today, I was diagnosed with Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (PoTS) and it was a huge relief. Yep, you read the right...being diagnosed with a chronic, life-changing illness and I felt relieved . For a long time prior to my diagnosis I had suffered with collapses of unknown cause, and more recently in the year leading up to my diagnosis it was suggested that I was suffering from psychogenic seizures. Now, psuedo- or psychogenic seizures are a real phenomenon, they're not just someone "faking". However, I knew that this was not the answer to wha

The Big Share: It's Time To Talk

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For anyone who's read my blog, it's probably no surprise that I have experienced mental health problems. These days I'm pretty open about most of it - the first time I "outed" myself was for Eating Disorder Awareness Week 2012 and since then, there are regular references to my experiences of mental illness. I sit here today writing this blog as someone who has experienced mental illness. I do not call myself a "sufferer", I would not choose to have been ill however, it has taught me a lot and made me the person I am today. To me, it is just another experience. On the whole, I would view myself as someone living in recovery as opposed to a few years ago, when my life felt consumed by depression and disordered eating. My life these days is full of love and laughter and friendship but also still a heck of a lot of tough times. Part of my recovery is accepting that life is not easy. Recovery doesn't mean my life is okay now - it means I've

A Bli(m)p

This evening I had a blip. And it's left me feeling like a ginormous fat blimp. More so than usual. Ironically, the cause of the blip? Receiving a letter suggesting that I am still currently diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Now, I know I'm not. My own GP knows I'm not. The mental health team that discharged me as "recovered" know I'm not. I am recovered. I had an eating disorder, in the past. It is not current. I still struggle with confidence and body image. I still feel I am fat. Some days I still struggle with "normal". But I do not spend my life restricting, binging, purging, exercising and taking laxatives. I am recovered and I am immensely proud of the effort I put into that recovery. I'm angry that such a petty thing has knocked me. It came from a letter full of errors. It is an error. I do not still have bulimia. I think I'm also angry at myself for the shame and embarrassment I feel. I was always embarrassed of the bulimia

#ILoveOurNHS

Last week, I read Disabled Medic 's wonderful blog on the NHS. Today, I logged on to Twitter to find #ILoveOurNHS trending.65 years on and we are in the process of losing our wonderful health service - I don't profess to knowing the politics or exact plans - I was never good at that kind of stuff. All I know is the anecdotal evidence of  healthcare professionals on Twitter, the dumbed down, sensationalised newspapers and the odd blog here and there. It's made me realise how much we'll miss the NHS if and when it's gone for good. The NHS has employed my Mum ever since I was born - giving us a stable income, allowing her career progression and she now works in a job that she loves despite the long hours. She's been a radiographer, a sonographer and now she manages a triple A screening programme. I am so proud of how hard my Mum works and that she's able to do it for an organisation such as the NHS. The NHS has looked after each member of my family at one

The Financial Lost Sheep

Last Sunday, Liz Wood preached and her honesty struck me to tears. She was preaching on the parable of the lost sheep (Luke 15:1-7) and how we can wander from God an  get lost ourselves. Like sheep, we don't intend to get lost - it just happens from a chain of small, seemingly insignificant bad choices. However, the great news is, that no matter how lost we feel, Jesus is greater. The shepherd wouldn't give up until he found the sheep and likewise, Jesus carries things through to completion. He knows me personally and comes to find me where I am. He would have died for me, even if I was the only person on earth. But how do we deal with lostness? We can accept lostness or we can surrender that area of or lives. Jesus carries us home, no questions asked. It's on the day that we surrender that we find true freedom. The preach was good, but what struck me was Liz's honesty with backing it up with her own life experience. She talked about finances and debt and this i

10 things about recovery...

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Watching "Don't Call Me Crazy" this week was incredibly close to home. I was never an inpatient, but I've had friends who have been as well as my fair share of involvement with the mental health system. For many years now I've had friends with eating disorders and likewise for many years, I was very entrenched in my own eating disorder and depression. Recently, I've begun to realise just how 'recovered' I am. I don't think an eating disorder ever truly goes away and I am certain the pain it once caused is never forgotten. I am however, now able to live a virtually 'normal' life and recovery means I can enjoy so many things that I'd once lost. It's always good to reflect on how far you've come...and maybe I can give my friend's hope too. 10 things recovery gave me: Covent garden soup with bread and butter - none of this watery cuppa soup and rice cakes A genuine smile in front of the camera    Napping because I wan

The Waiting Game.

Getting a job is one long waiting game... You apply then wait to hear if you got to interview. You get an interview, you wait until interview day. You go to interview, they're running late, you wait. You leave your interview, you wait to hear if you were successful. And after all that? If you're successful? You wait for HR. You wait for occupational health. You wait for DBS. I am so ready to start! And yes, that means I got the job. I'm so excited. But impatient. So incredibly impatient. Working will be a huge challenge. It's going to push my body to it's limits. But I really just want to get stuck in and give it a go. I'm still in total shock at having got the job, it's a huge confidence boost to know that I am good enough. I am good enough. :-)

Worry.

Last week at church we were talking about the borders we put up in our lives, the points of resistance that maybe we're not willing to let God touch yet. A big point of resistance for me at the moment is trusting God with my future. Over and over again I become overwhelmed by fear and worry. This has prompted me to look back over seminars and talks I've heard on the subject in the past and there's one in particular that came to mind - it was a talk at Momentum last year by Will Vanderhart called Overcoming Worry: real solutions to a persistent problem . It can be purchased here if you fancy listening to the actual talk. Now, I don't see myself as an actively anxious person, but I am someone who stresses about her future and tends to catastrophise and spend my time imagining worst case scenarios where I'm destitute, jobless, homeless and generally just not living out the life I thought I would. Anyway, I also find it helpful to refresh myself on what I've lea

When life gets a bit sandy...

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  "This is my prayer in my hunger and need, my God is a God who provides...all of my life, in every season, You are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship" I realise that this blog has become more and more faith based as time goes on - I hope that is a reflection of my daily life. I hope people look at me and see even just a glimpse of Jesus. I began this blog to be therapeutic, it's a way of ordering my thoughts when life gets a bit messy or busy - but also a place to celebrate the good times. 18 months on and I'm nearing nearly 10,000 reads. I'm not particularly fussed about the number, this blog's main purpose is as a space for me to write, yet I am so humbled that people from all over the world read what I write and many come back to read multiple posts. So thank you, I love blogging - and there's something therapeutic about knowing I'm not alone, that people are going through life with me, even from afar. Today's

God, please take this.

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This post was mainly written at about 3am this morning, as such it's somewhat disjointed and probably makes little sense but it kind of says a lot about where I am right now so I'm going to post it anyway... I'm also going to use it as my link in with Monday Ministry over on Tania's blog .  I turn 21 tomorrow. Birthdays are difficult - they're a celebration yet I also find myself looking back over all the things I have failed at. Right now, life feels like a bit of a train wreck. I'm struggling to have hope for my future and in all honesty, I have no desire to celebrate. I haven't been to church in weeks, I've stopped messaging people back when they ask where I am, I've stopped trusting that God has a plan for me, and that it doesn't matter that I don't know what that plan is. I got rejected from the course I'd applied to do. That rejection has hit me so deeply and left me questioning my entire existence. The first evening I bawled m

Living with POTS: Back to the start

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I've realised recently just how unknown POTS is. Unless you know someone with it, you probably have no idea what it is and even when you know...you don't really know. As such...I thought I'd do a couple of posts about what is is, where you can find out more info, how it affects me day to day and the like. So first off...symptoms and diagnosis.  It was around 2006/2007 when I first started having episodes of fainting - my GP and the paediatrician we saw put it down to my height and therefore my blood pressure dropping when I was stood. Quite a logical solution and I was told it'd improve with time - which it did. However, I still seemed incredibly prone to fainting and once at University they realised my postural drop and resolved yet I was still having these faints. In September 2011, I was generally unwell and had multiple collapses over the course of a few days. During which I hit my head. After CT and MRI scans I was transferred to the local neurology specialist

How do we see God's resurrection power?

I didn't go to church this week. I was tired, I didn't feel like it, I was busy, all manner of excuses - when in reality, I was feeling vulnerable and I didn't want my friends to see me like that. Instead of beating myself up for not going, I looked back over a recent preach by Alex Wood who is student pastor at St. Peter's. His talk really spoke to me yet I walked away from church that day and didn't really take what I'd learned into the new week. As such, it fits nicely into Monday Ministry over on Tania's blog . These are just my notes/my interpretation - if you want to hear the talk for yourself, it's a good'un and can be found here. Judges 7:1-7 is a passage of the Bible where God strips Gideon's army from around 32,000 men to just 300 and yet still promises him the victory. However, that victory is to be recognised as His strength, not the armies numbers! It is often when we are stripped right back that we see God's resurrection po

Caring for the Broken-hearted - Part 2

It's been a long time coming, but here is part two of the course I've been attending with the Brighton ACT ladies. My blog on the first part of the course can be found here . This second session was quite reflective, involving us looking at our own lives and our own weaknesses. I guess that's why I've postponed writing it - it wasn't necessarily always comfortable and in some ways left me feeling weirdly vulnerable. It's nice to revisit it with a bit of distance now. We began the session thinking of a time when we had felt helpless or out of control and how this made us feel or react. I am not good at being out of control and not knowing the outcome of situations. I find it immensely stressful, become overwhelmed, panicked, frustrated and lose perspective. I tend to withdraw, become quite tearful and depression rears its ugly head. However, you cannot stay in a crisis forever and for me, that's often where my friends intervene and help out. Fr

Easter Sunday.

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Flashback 3 years: Easter Sunday 2010  Easter Sunday 2010 was my baptism. I don't remember that many details from the day but I do remember the verse I was given and the song that we sung as I came up from the water... Romans 8:38-39 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." I chose this song because it was one that had really touched me during that year. Things had been difficult, I was working really hard to recover from an eating disorder, my parents were in the process of getting divorced, I was studying for my A2's, there was lots of uncertainty about the future and this song