A Bli(m)p

This evening I had a blip. And it's left me feeling like a ginormous fat blimp. More so than usual. Ironically, the cause of the blip? Receiving a letter suggesting that I am still currently diagnosed with bulimia nervosa. Now, I know I'm not. My own GP knows I'm not. The mental health team that discharged me as "recovered" know I'm not. I am recovered. I had an eating disorder, in the past. It is not current.

I still struggle with confidence and body image.
I still feel I am fat.
Some days I still struggle with "normal".

But I do not spend my life restricting, binging, purging, exercising and taking laxatives.

I am recovered and I am immensely proud of the effort I put into that recovery.

I'm angry that such a petty thing has knocked me. It came from a letter full of errors. It is an error. I do not still have bulimia. I think I'm also angry at myself for the shame and embarrassment I feel. I was always embarrassed of the bulimia diagnosis. Anorexia - well of course, that's a coveted "successful" diagnosis. Bulimia though? Disgusting, fat, failure, lacks self control.

What a load of rubbish.

Any eating disorder can and will kill you.

“Nothing in the world scares me as much as bulimia. It was true then and it is true now. But at some point, the body will essentially eat of its own accord in order to save itself. Mine began to do that. The passivity with which I speak here is intentional. It feels very much as if you are possessed, as if you have no will of your own but are in constant battle with your body, and you are losing. It wants to live. You want to die. You cannot both have your way. And so bulimia creeps into the rift between you and your body and you go out of your mind with fear. Starvation is incredibly frightening when it finally sets in with a vengeance. And when it does,you are surprised. You hadn't meant this. You say: Wait, not this. And then it sucks you under and you drown.” - Marya Hornbacher

It saddens me that there is still much stigma surrounding all eating disorders, but particularly bulimia and binge eating. Somehow...anorexia is more socially acceptable. I developed bulimia after a long period of restriction. I needed food. It was honestly like feeling possessed and many anorexics do go on to develop bulmia in their attempts to recover.

Anyway, back to tonight. I've been feeling wobbly for a few days. Tempted. Tonight I ordered a pizza, and side, and ice cream. A luxury I *really* cannot afford right now. The plan was to eat it all and purge. Such an expensive waste but something I regularly used to do.

What could have been the start of a relapse though? It ended positively. I ate, I got full, I stopped. I disposed of the rest of the food to prevent those niggling binge thoughts. It's a waste of money, but it's also proof to me of how far I've come. I am recovered. No matter what that stupid letter says. I stopped eating before midnight, I decided not to purge before midnight. Ready to start the new week with a fresh slate. You can never have too many fresh starts.

“I don't think people realize, when they're just getting started on an eating disorder or even when they're in the grip of one, that it is not something that you just "get over." For the vast majority of eating-disordered people, it is something that will haunt you for the rest of your life. You may change your behavior, change your beliefs about yourself and your body, give up that particular way of coping in the world. You may learn, as I have, that you would rather be a human than a human's thin shell. You may get well. But you never forget.”  - Marya Hornbacher

I will never forget my eating disorder, but that does not mean I am still disordered. I am recovered, I am well and I am proud.



TTFN x