Steady My Heart.

Back in October, I was helping out with Adventurers (aka children's church). I've been seriously missing my Brighton babies and this was the first time I'd got to spend with young children since moving. The topic for the morning? Does God know what will happen in my future? My group are 4 and 5 year olds and yet they amaze me with wisdom and spending time with them teaches me, as much as I hope I help to teach them. I've been meaning to write since...but life has been overwhelming and anxiety has somewhat taken hold once more. Can't sleep tonight so finally sitting down to spend sometime thinking back on what those wonderful little people taught me. As a group we were mulling over a few questions. Firstly...whether we need to worry about bad stuff happening? There were a variety of answers from making friends to worrying about having nightmares. Rather than knowing whether or not to worry - the children tended to share some of their fears and worries. And so

Yesterday, I read this article about having cancer in your 20's and although there are some marked differences, it also in part rang true to being diagnosed and living with a life altering long term condition. For me, being diagnosed with autonomic dysfunction at the age of 20 was initially a relief - I finally had an answer, but equally? It is a diagnosis that will stick with me forever and that gives me troublesome symptoms every day. At the beginning of my 20's my life was put on hold. I lost my degree, I struggled to maintain friendships and a social life and became deeply depressed about how this illness was stealing my life before I'd even truly got started. I contemplated moving back home to live with my Mum but desperately didn't want to lose my independence. However, in not losing my independence I was thrown into the tricky world of benefits and financial hardship. I had no savings to rely on, I was sick enough not to work full time, not sick enough to qual

I look back on certain photos from my time as a toddler and long to have that freedom once more. To lack inhibitions and fear and the "what if's" that so often overwhelm every day life seems to be a really joyful time. I obviously don't really have any clear memories from this time - but from what other people have said, I was a fairly anxious child throughout primary school. To an extent - managing anxiety is all I've ever known as it's all I can ever remember. I wonder when I made that transition from joyful toddler to anxious child. I've had my faith in God for many many years (though not quite as long as I've had my old friend anxiety!) but so often I find it hard to trust in God and allow that to alleviate my fears and anxieties. Over the past two months I've found some of that childlike faith again, upped and left Brighton to start a new chapter in Worcester surrounded by friends, closer to family and part of a fab church that I really

First placement ended a couple of weeks back. Along with it came two assignment deadlines and an exam coupled with a giant lump of pure exhaustion and a vomiting bug. Looking back over my first placement, there were some absolutely fantastic memories - I never thought I would love stroke quite as much as I did, but the highlight definitely came on my final shift. For 8 weeks, I attended every acute stroke call that occurred on my shifts in the hope of seeing a specialist procedure called thrombolysis. A few years ago, almost everyone who had a stroke was thrombolysed, but as research has continued it's use has become more limited because it has significant risk factors and contraindications. By the final week of placement I had essentially given up on seeing the procedure...but I lost hope too soon! I arrived early for my final shift of this block to hear that a patient was in CT having had an acute deterioration overnight - probably a stroke. The patient had been assessed with

Well, this is a fairly painful post to write... In the process of beginning my degree I have unfortunately completely and entirely lost the grip I once had on my eating disorder. Things had been wobbly since last August and I thought things were improving. Turns out, I've just completely lost perspective, unfortunate but at least now I know. This week, I've had to accept that right now although I am a healthy weight? I am well and truly back in the grips of restriction and self hatred psychologically. It just so happens that I'm not underweight...yet. I am so incredibly tired of living with an eating disorder. I long for it to be gone from my life, but the prospect of actually recovering is so utterly petrifying. I have recovered previously and know the joy of freedom around food, but right now that feels so distant and impossible. Every meal is filled with anxiety, and the voice screaming in my head that I am morbidly obese, that I am ugly, that nobody could ever love

My very first day of placement was actually not that memorable. I felt like I spent most of the day wandering around after others, repeatedly reminding people that I'm a first year, first placement student and I spent a significant amount of time avoiding answering the phone that was incessantly ringing! Probably the key thing that I'd reflect on now, is that in handover, nobody actually introduced themself, showed me around or explained what the hell was expected of me. Everyone was friendly enough though and I hadn't forgotten how to talk to patients so things were okay! Upon leaving, everyone said that the second day would be better and they were right! The second day became a day of many firsts. My first drug round, changing a dressing alone for the first time, writing in patients notes for the first time, answering the phone with the phrase "X ward, Student Nurse Laura speaking" for the first of many many times! I felt I really found my feet and got on well

Following induction, I embarked on 3 weeks of intense clinical skills to prepare us for going on the wards and it was quite frankly, the most intense three weeks in my recent memory (hence the lack of posts!). Rather than dissipating, the overwhelmed feeling I spoke of in my last post grew and grew and grew. However, I equally need to remember that I love what I am doing and I am good at it (no matter what my brain says sometimes). The main things I took away from the three weeks were that my basic clinical skills are actually pretty good. I can talk to patients, I'm confident with a variety of personal care, I can take manual observations without really having to think about the process, my basic life support skills are pretty darn good. It's some of the more academic things that are proving a tad more tricksy. My anatomy and physiology knowledge leaves a lot to be desired...I know a lot and can reel of various facts and phrases but I don't actually really understand it

A fortnight of induction is over. And I'm sat here on a Saturday morning, surrounded by paperwork, books and a wealth of online resources feeling slightly more than a tad overwhelmed. I want to be a good student. I want to be the best nurse I can possibly be. I want to read everything and do everything and be everything and know everything. Right this second. But I can't. It's a 3 year degree with a lifetime's worth of CPD for a reason. I will never know it all. It's been a fairly bitty week; admin, learning how to reference and reflect, meeting my personal tutor, and generally preparing for placement, including occupational health. I have been passed as fit for placement without any doubt or questions from my wonderful occupational health nurse. She said I look and sound like a different person to when she last saw me.This was a massive confidence boost and has reminded me that I am doing okay - I am still anxious and low at times but I am okay. I am coping and m

It's the end of my first week as a student nurse. Times flies. In the past few months, there has honestly been times where I thought this day may never come and I'm still not entirely convinced it's really happening (especially as I'm still waiting on occupation health clearance for placement). However, I'm here and after months of depression, anxiety and tumbling back into my ED the fog is starting to lift. I've made it mostly in one piece and realised just how far I've come from the 18 year old who first started University 5 years ago. I moved to Brighton, a vulnerable 18 year old who relied solely on negative coping mechanisms, I spent my first few years in Brighton swinging from crisis to crisis, desperate for someone to save me but not willing to take any responsibility for my actions. I was doing a degree I knew was wrong for me, but too scared to do anything about it. I was angry and sad about my past and petrified of my future. Now, at nearly 23,

When I visit Rich and Ruth, I've been along to All Saints Worcester with them to their evening gathering and recently Rich has suggested I listen to a couple of the talks Rich Johnson has done on disappointment...so far I've only listened to the first one...but maybe I 'll write on the others too! The reading came from Psalm 42:1-11 and you can listen to the full talk here . Disappointment is a constant feature in life, each and every one of us will repeatedly experience it yet, we are not great at talking about it or dealing with it. Dealing with disappointment well will allow us to grow - however, if we we don't deal with it? It will hinder and trap us. For me, life has held a fair amount of disappointment in the past few years...I was diagnosed with a life altering condition, I had to leave my degree, I've had countless hospital admissions, houses haven't turned out as I planned, family and friends have been ill and at times, life has quite f

I'm trying to be disciplined with my Bible reading/devotional time this year and for the past 10 days I have done a devotional each and every morning. It hasn't changed me massively - I haven't had an overwhelming sense of peace or enlightenment, no fireworks have gone off, but I know that what I am reading is truth , even if I can't feel it right now. The first set of devotionals I read was 5 days about various hymns and I loved it. Music has always been the way in which I feel a most intimate connection with my faith. This devotional series was particularly perfect for me because it not only reminded me of some of my favourite hymns - it pointed me to the biblical bases of their lyrics. Having spent a year battling through what should've been a 30 day devotional on Thessalonians - it was refreshing to read something that I related to, enjoyed and was learning from. The real thing that shone out to me through the 5 days was that although these hymns are all pr

"Meanwhile, back at my heart I'm desperate for all that You are Undo me and take me apart Meanwhile back at my soul Mend me, Lord Please make me whole" I guess somewhat linked with my most recent post on isolation, I am struggling with an utterly desperate loneliness right now. I have friends, I know I have friends but I feel surrounded by such an overwhelming loneliness. The irrational part of my brain is feeding me a constant trickle of negative thoughts. That everyone hates me, that I'm horrid and fat and ugly and that no-one could possibly love me. I know that it is probably not true, yet battling that constant train of thought 24/7 is tiresome. It's the same with my working life, a constant doubt that sits deep within me that I am not good enough . But what hurts the most? Is how utterly lonely I feel on the faith front. I know only I can change this but I feel utterly abandoned by God. Knowing He's there compared to truly feeling Him are wo

While I was home over Christmas, I had a long chat with my Mum and it was the first time I truly admitted one of my most damaging coping mechanisms. Not my eating disorder or any other thing I may physically do to myself, but something far more damaging, although I am only just realising it. Isolation. When I am at my most anxious, my most depressed, my most vulnerable? I isolate myself. It's been my coping mechanism of choice since my teenage years but something I've never truly realised as such. It began when I was 13, I began to hide away in my room. I was hiding from my family, from difficult situations in my life at that time but I was also isolating myself from any support. This continued (and worsened) as I grew up and ultimately damaged my friendships. By the time I left for University, I found any social situation stressful and was most comfortable in just the company of one or two other people.  Recently, my desire to isolate myself is really quite overwhelming