"Be strong and courageous..."
So my last post ended, what next? And the past month has revealed an answer to that.
Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface.
That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be.
Next is some really hard heart work. It's time to stop learning to live with poor mental health and actually address the core issues no matter how painful and messy that may be. I believe that I am genetically predisposed to ill mental health, however I also believe that that does not define me and that I can live well despite that. It MAY mean taking medication to help, but it also means addressing what's going on beneath the surface, rejecting the notion that my past defines me and taking back control of my emotions and decisions.
My faith is always going to play an integral role in me rediscovering my identity and learning to live the life I was designed for. As such, I'm trying once again to be more disciplined with food and associating that with quiet time and worship. My quiet time is currently split between a devotional called "Untangled" by Jen Baker and a fantastic book called "God Loves Ugly (and love makes beautiful)" by Christa Black. Right now, I'm not able to read and interpret large chunks of Bible, right now what I need is stuff that speaks to my heart and motivates me to keep going. In the next couple of weeks I'm going to meet with a lady from church who has been praying and interceding for me. I've got lots of friends at church who I share things with but have been lacking regular spiritual guidance from someone more mature in faith.
Secondly, I've been referred for DBT which is a particular form of therapy that will help me to address the practical side of regulating my emotions and tolerating distress where I currently just become overwhelmed. It has proven very effective for people with disordered eating and I hope it will be applicable to general life stresses too! The waiting list is fairly lengthy so I will continue with counseling/talking therapy as needed until then.
Thirdly, I'm going to persevere. I'm finding Uni so incredibly difficult emotionally and physically currently but part of the identity I've created over the past 5 years? That I give up. It's not that I have been academically incapable, instead that I have found it physically or emotionally challenging and not found or accessed the correct support to get me through. I could be a great nurse, I am passionate about it and I desperately don't want poor health (physical or mental) stop me from achieving that. It's so hard to believe and trust that I could complete this given the end goal feels so distant, but I'm giving it my best shot.
Since starting University (again...) in September, I've been in therapy trying to address some of the issues that keep me stuck in a cycle of recovery and relapse with my mental health. The thing is...I am capable of living and functioning like a normal person, but that doesn't change the distressing mess that occurs inside of my brain. So, in reality - the times when I'm "recovered"? I'm actually just well enough to hide what's going on beneath the surface.
That in itself has been really difficult to come to terms with. Life has been very challenging over the years and the past significantly dictates how I am currently living in the present. My dysfunctional relationship with food, my incredibly poor body image, my crippling anxiety and need to feel safe, my constant need for affirmation and reassurance, the inability to rest and just be.
Next is some really hard heart work. It's time to stop learning to live with poor mental health and actually address the core issues no matter how painful and messy that may be. I believe that I am genetically predisposed to ill mental health, however I also believe that that does not define me and that I can live well despite that. It MAY mean taking medication to help, but it also means addressing what's going on beneath the surface, rejecting the notion that my past defines me and taking back control of my emotions and decisions.
My faith is always going to play an integral role in me rediscovering my identity and learning to live the life I was designed for. As such, I'm trying once again to be more disciplined with food and associating that with quiet time and worship. My quiet time is currently split between a devotional called "Untangled" by Jen Baker and a fantastic book called "God Loves Ugly (and love makes beautiful)" by Christa Black. Right now, I'm not able to read and interpret large chunks of Bible, right now what I need is stuff that speaks to my heart and motivates me to keep going. In the next couple of weeks I'm going to meet with a lady from church who has been praying and interceding for me. I've got lots of friends at church who I share things with but have been lacking regular spiritual guidance from someone more mature in faith.
Secondly, I've been referred for DBT which is a particular form of therapy that will help me to address the practical side of regulating my emotions and tolerating distress where I currently just become overwhelmed. It has proven very effective for people with disordered eating and I hope it will be applicable to general life stresses too! The waiting list is fairly lengthy so I will continue with counseling/talking therapy as needed until then.
Thirdly, I'm going to persevere. I'm finding Uni so incredibly difficult emotionally and physically currently but part of the identity I've created over the past 5 years? That I give up. It's not that I have been academically incapable, instead that I have found it physically or emotionally challenging and not found or accessed the correct support to get me through. I could be a great nurse, I am passionate about it and I desperately don't want poor health (physical or mental) stop me from achieving that. It's so hard to believe and trust that I could complete this given the end goal feels so distant, but I'm giving it my best shot.
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