Feeling "fat".

Someone asked me what was up today, that I seemed...not quite myself. My answer? This week I feel fat.

Except, actually fat isn't a feeling. Fat is a word that I've wrongly replaced for so many other things.


I feel tired. Between placement, work and trying to have a life I am exhausted. I've had a couple of days of sick this week and literally all I've managed is sleep, sleep and more sleep.

I feel poorly. I've had a chest infection which has messed up my asthma control. I've had a couple of runs of SVT due to my potassium being low and my joint pain is horrendous (probably because less compliant with physio than usual...see above point about being tired)

I feel overwhelmed. It's nearly the end of 2nd year. I still don't believe I can do this. I still cannot believe I am thriving academically and in practice - despite all the feedback I recieve. This time next year I could be qualified. This is amazing and scary and so many other things.

I feel sad. My heart longs for reconciliation with the church and the people that were my home and community. I'm not so hurt these days...more just disappointed I guess. I just find it incredibly sad that a church I feel called to I can't currently attend.

I feel anxious. I'm due to meet my new small group from the church I'm attending whilst things are unmanageable at the place that used to be home. I need to email or text the relevant people and actually get myself to turn up and meet a group of strangers.

I feel out of control. My house is messy - I need to clean the bathroom, tidy my bedroom, vacuum everywhere, take the rubbish out...the list is endless. My life admin pile is ridiculous. Food is not going to plan at all. Money is stressful and I feel powerless to change it.

I feel lonely. There is at least one social event this week that it appears a lot of my friends are invited to. Needless to say I am not invited. Be that intentional or that I've been forgotten.

And yet...until I sat down and wrote this all I could verbalize was that I am feeling fat. Realistically - my weight and appearance is no different to last week. Yet right now I have all the mirrors in my house covered. I'm wearing the same outfit again and again because nothing feels safe. Every meal is a battle to eat but not overeat.

It's times like these that remind me that recovery is not linear. Recovery takes effort. It means getting up each day and trying to do the right thing...even when your brain is screaming otherwise. It means taking time out to delve into the word "fat" and establish what I'm really feeling.

Only then can I chose how to respond...starting with setting myself some sensible goals for the rest of the week - one for each true feeling.

1. REST. Time on the sofa, knitting and watching easy TV.
2. Continue treatment for low potassium. Get help if I am struggling to cope.
3. Complete one linking theory and practice reflection. Aside from that...ignore my book for the next few shifts. Enjoy being with patients.
4. Feel the sadness but focus on the joy too. I am surrounded by so many wonderful friends - text them, check in with them, try and arrange a coffee date.
5. Send the text to new small group leader. Focus on one step at a time.
6. Clean one room a day. Eat at least one proper meal a day.
7. Avoid social media around the event. Find something nice to do on my own instead.


But first...it's time to get off my bum and get into bed for some rest (and hopefully sleep!)


Laura x

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